When I was in my early 60's, I was almost giving myself permission to continue drinking because "why bother, I'm getting old and I want to enjoy myself". BUT, I WAS NOT enjoying myself. In fact I was beyond miserable. I hated most mornings due to hang overs. My mind was filled with chatter about when, and if, I was going to drink today, tonight or tomorrow. Not to mention the overwhelming guilt and shame that is the identical twin to alcohol. Guess what always won out? Yep, booze.
I was giving myself an excuse to drink because "I was working on it”, which I truly was. It was as if I was waiting for some kind of magic wand that would put a spell on me to suddenly stop drinking. Unfortunately, that doesn't exist! I had to give myself some grace while I was navigating this sober world. Grace was pivotal in my sober journey. But I also used it as a crutch to continue to drink, because I was terrified what would happen if I stopped. I mean, how do you live your life without alcohol?! The pain and fear of stopping drinking was more frightening than the benefits of being sober....at that time.
Society tends to paint the picture that a person with an alcohol problem is your local drunk, unemployed, maybe homeless, often called a hot mess. Guess what? Alcohol is an equal opportunity life style. It occurs in all socioeconomic levels. I was good at keeping my issues with drinking a secret, but there were those who were concerned. Looking from the outside in, my life looked great. I had an amazing job I loved, I never drank during the day, I had a wonderful supportive family, I wanted for nothing but I was exhausted from trying to moderate my drinking. I was beyond miserable. And I kept that misery to myself.
What was pivotal for me was when I experienced atrial fibrillation directly due to drinking (a rapid irregular heart rate). Frightening is putting it mildly. I was terrified. It was that event that was my wake up call. I was sick and tired of alcohol dominating my body and my mind. I had enough and finally admitted that alcohol was truly harming me on many levels. I wanted and needed to make changes. Changes to become sober. If I didn’t alcohol would literally kill me.
To add to my distress, being a nurse who should “know better”, made the shame even worse. I witnessed for myself how health problems are caused or exacerbated by alcohol. There loads of education about the harm of cigarettes, but why isn’t it addressed when it comes to alcohol? Booze is devastating to the body, but society, big business wants to ignore that.
So often I heard the same excuses I used to have, "I want to relax, what's wrong with a few drinks? I'm going to die of something so may as well enjoy myself now. Alcohol is good for the heart. Myy life would be boring without drinking. Heart disease, diabetes and obesity runs in my family and is not due to alcohol". Blah blah blah, you know the drill. The list goes on. I was an expert at those excuses too. I witnessed living proof (things I knew, but pretended not to be true) that booze kills, no matter what you want to believe. At a minimum it was create a very unhealthy last half of your life. I'm not trying to shame people for drinking, I'm actually empathetic because I pretended for years that alcohol was not harmful...despite the obvious evidence right in front of me. That fear almost made me drink more. How does that make sense? What a vicious cycle I was on.
Beyond the physical harm, it messes up the head. Almost all of my arguments (especially with family) or inappropriate behavior was fueled by alcohol. Who was I kidding? The worse I felt, the more I drink and the more I denied I had an alcohol problem. OMG it felt like my own prison.
I do realize that every journey is unique to each individual. Some of us seem to "get it" quickly and others, such as me, tended to drag it out for years and years. I wasn't convinced it would be better to live a sober life. I really didn't. But guess what? That was the booze talking. My brain thought it was helping me by assisting me in believing these untrue thoughts. I couldn't imagine I could be happy and actually have an amazing life without alcohol. So, I started out thinking, OK, let's try a month, now let's do 2 months, how about 3? Then slowly the benefits of being sober far outweighed anything that alcohol could offer. It was my choice not to drink. I repeat, it was MY choice not to drink any longer vs I can’t drink. That was pivotal for me.
Let me also add, when I started my sober life I didn't disappear from my sober community. In fact, I got even more involved. It has become part of my life that I cannot and will not ever abandon, no matter where I am in my sober journey. Community is key. Find your tribe. Try out new communities, continue being active in sober groups. It's not always about
